Dear K: Letter 5

Dear K,

So, from that point on, it got easier. He continued to see the therapist for a few more sessions, since she helped him get through all the drama so much. He told you, and I assume you accepted it pretty easily. You called him all the right things when you referred to him – you don’t know how happy that made him. Your family slowly started accepting it and getting used to the idea. The tension that had been rising just… evaporated.

A week or two after he told everyone, he went to the doctor to receive his prescription and his first shot. Even though no one could be there, he was elated! He could finally start the physical process of his transformation, which would make others accepting him and calling him by the right pronouns even easier. He was nervous about getting the shot, and getting a shot once a week for the rest of his life, but he was ready.

As I didn’t see him receive the shot from the nurse, and he panicked too much to video it, I was terrified to give him his second shot a week later. I knew that I would be hurting him, but also giving him what he wanted. It was like a double edged sword. I would be sticking him with a needle, but he would gain so much from it. I’m sure I spent hours on watching youtube videos of how to give testosterone shots, and these videos weren’t even right! They were mostly for people giving themselves the shot, which would happen in the thigh. I think I only found one for someone giving someone else the shot, and it wasn’t all that helpful.

I finally had to swallow my fear and do it for him. It terrified me to no end because I knew I could hurt him by sticking it in the wrong spot, and even if I got it in the right spot, it would still hurt him at least a little bit. I still feel this way to this day, almost six months later, though we’ve developed a little system to get the job done.

We had talked about all the effects this would have on him, like growing excess hair and basically going through a second puberty, but none of it deterred him. Understand, I wasn’t trying to deter him, just making sure he knew what would happen. He did understand, but looking at it from where we are now, I’m not sure he expected it to reach the level that it has.

He loves all of the changes and its amazing to see his joy when he gets called sir out in public or over the phone. His voice has gotten a lot deeper, his body has started shifting towards a more manly look, he’s started growing hair everywhere and has to shave his face at least twice a week. He has become less beautiful, and more handsome.

There are also a few downsides. Where he was sad before when he got misgendered, he is now crushed. His outer appearance and voice say male to most people, the differences in the way people interpret gender by sight are so slight that some people still see female. While he is doing all the right things to make his outer appearance match his inner identity, for some people, its not enough. Unfortunately, it takes time.

The second puberty really hit him hard as well. While he was ecstatic at the more feminine side of puberty leaving for good, he got blindsided with how terrible male puberty can be. It was another double edged sword – we laughed and rejoiced every time his voice cracked, and he got frustrated with the amount of acne that is now in residence on his body. I think its actually worse than a typical male puberty, because all of the changes that should have happened earlier have been suppressed for 10-13 years and are now attacking him full force.

His dysphoria is also at an all-time high. While the changes are happening, they’re happening too slow for him. And there are also some changes that testosterone can’t give you, that he desperately wants. Some of the changes are also confusing for us. We fight more often because the testosterone gives him more confidence, so he voices his annoyance more. His anger is more intense, but he gets over it quickly while I am left brooding over whatever we argued about.

However, we do talk about everything eventually, and all turns out okay. Its tough, because its different than before, but we are adapting to our new relationship.



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