Firstly, I would like to thank the owner of this blog for the outlet and the opportunity.
Also, a note: I’m gonna call my partner ‘him’ for now. Know that he doesn’t mind, but he is transgender mtf.
I notice a lot of these types of post, the author first writes, “where do I begin,” and while this may be frustrating to the reader, I’d like you to sit and try to write down one of the BIGGEST things that ever happened to you. What’s the first thing that pops into your head? So, here I am, wondering where to begin… just as everyone would be. I think I will start with myself.
I am a twenty something. Do I go with “a twenty-something” or do I go with “almost thirty” …Anyway. No matter. I’m what they call “Cis Female” and “Bi-Sexual” …though, I guess now I am maybe considered “Pan-sexual” …I kind of dislike that term. Makes me think of frying pans. <_< Where were we? Oh. Me. Five foot seven and 230 pounds, depressed af on and off my whole life, struggling with my mind. Atheist. I have my BA in English, but I really am not super proud of it. I really wish I had gotten it in something else. Yeah, I write decent…ly.. but not… like… to the point where I’ll be famous. Ugh. Well, see, I do have this really great novel in my head, but I feel like I will NEVER get it out. I have been trying to write it for like seven or eight years now? I’ve got like… 60 pages or something. I don’t even know if it’s that many. Did I mention I made an appointment with a psychiatrist? I think I may have ADHD. I’ve been seeing a counselor for what I thought was PPD but turned out diagnosed with MDD and Anxiety. I could go into like, a whole thing on that. But I will spare you, this time. Now let’s talk “us.”
We have been together since high school… and it has been over 10 years. We’ve been married nearly 5. We have a toddler, a dog, and two cats. We have been living on our parents’ property for five our six months… ever since our landlord gave us 30 days to get out. It was kind of a “blessing,” if you will (can an Atheist call something a blessing?), in disguise, though, because hubs’ health started to decline and we’ve been struggling to make ends meet. The whole job thing is another chapter, but let’s just say we do not make enough to live off of right now. We plan on going back to school. In fact, hubby has all his ducks in a row to get started spring quarter. That FAFSA is going to be a big relief. Gonna pay rent a few months in advance, too. We love to spend time with each other. We love to travel, though we never really get out. Hiking. Hunting. Fishing. Video games. And we each have our own stuff we are into, also.
Oh, you mean, the love of my life? Ah jeez. I still have my high school backpack where I wrote his name on it, didn’t have the heart to get rid of it. Born in Wisconsin and raised around the world, brought up by his abusive pot-growing father until he was around 13, then his ding-bat mom got a hold of him. I met him in high school and he’d had more girlfriends than I ever even had friends. He’d had sex more times than I’d held hands with someone. He was an effing man-whore, lol, but I didn’t care. I know people who saw us thought, what a strange fit. Maybe they thought I was trying to fix him. That wasn’t it. This boy who wore ‘guyliner’ (remember that?) and sometimes threw on girls clothes “to be funny,” stole my heart. He coaxed my virginity out of me. Poured my first drink. Lit my first bowl. We grew up. His depression intensified, the manlier and more adult he became. He provided for me, for a long time, while his health went down the toilet. He’s got a terrible back. Chronic pain, terrible. Explaining chronic pain is for another day, but trust me, unless you have it or you are SUPER intimate with someone who has it, you can’t even begin to understand the challenges it presents. With being a father… a bread-winner… a lover… it just sucks. Lately it’s been getting a tiny bit better on and off. I think he just copes with the pain better when he’s feeling more confident – re; women’s clothes, chatting make-up, etc.
He came out to me a few months ago and we have been slowly telling close friends. We recently told his mom. We are terrified to tell my (somewhat conservative) parents. I am terrified. We want to tell the world… except them. LOL. I will write more on all this another day. So far all the friends we have told and his mom have been super supportive.
Eventually, yeah. There are a WHOLE lot of hoops to talk about first. Like, his potential autoimmune disorder. Our desire to have two children (or is it mine, and do I even still want that?). Vaginas. Boinking. How the hell do lesbians do it? Like seriously I think I need to google this shit. I’m nearly thirty years old and I don’t understand. Ha.
Okay, it is getting late. Expect more from me. I want to get personal. I need to write… and I love to help others feel they are not quite so alone.
And please, if you read this, say hello. You can reach out here or email me. somebodyanybodynobodyspecial at gmail dot com.