How do I even begin? How do I even psychoanalyze myself to the point that I know where all these thoughts started? How do you even write a letter to yourself? Is it supposed to be considered therapeutic? I do not know what I want from this. I do not think I can gain from this. Maybe someone else can, and that is what this is supposed to be for, but I still do not know how. I already know all there is to know about myself, right? Except, apparently, where it began my story.
So often I hear people saying that they have known they were different from a young age. That is all I seem to hear, actually. “When I was 5, I knew…”, or “I knew from the first time that I…”. But that’s not me. I did not know… or maybe I did not realize – what’s the difference? Anyway. I was just me being me, and there were not any labels. I did not have to know anything past the fact that I was me. Maybe I still do not have to put a label to myself – but society so wants you to. And I guess it helps me, in a way. It helps me find people that feel the same way I do, because we have created a label for ourselves. We can help each other. Except, you do not see many stories like mine. You see all the stories of people being one or the other, but not both, or neither. That is a shame, too. Because I know that there are people out there that feel similarly.
I guess there will not be a way to know if this helps me, or anyone, until I try; so here goes everything. Let’s start this again, so I can be more optimistic for myself:
Dear old me,
Let me introduce you to the new me.
No. That’s not specific enough. I think I’ve got a timeframe in mind. Let me try one more time – and thank you for bearing with me. I’m sorta new to all of this.
Dear 13 year old me,
Let me introduce you to the new me. I haven’t completely settled on a label yet. I’m not sure why. I know for sure it’s nonbinary, and I know for sure that I’m not transgender. I don’t always feel like a guy, but I don’t always feel like a girl either. Sometimes I don’t feel like either. That’s why I like just nonbinary. It fits that description, and I don’t have to reveal anything more about myself. But if I had to settle… genderfluid and androgynous are my top two picks. I think I fit in the description of genderfluid better, though.
Like I said earlier, I didn’t discover it or put a name to it until recently. Maybe a little less than a year ago. But I can go back in my memories and pinpoint times or things that I’ve wanted that are in line with how I feel now. For instance, I never specifically presented as boy or girl. It was always pushed onto me. Well, girl was. No one ever looked at me and thought: boy. But I was never completely a girl in their minds either. I always played rougher than the girls, and girl-like things never interested me. I know that you’re thinking that this means I’m transgendered, because I specifically push towards boy a lot. But I know in my heart that I’m not. I can’t explain knowing this. I just know.
I don’t think this makes any sense, and I apologize. This is my first time trying something like this. I don’t know if I’ll write anything else like it. Maybe.
So a recap from the confusing mess above: I am nonbinary. Probably genderfluid. It’s so weird to tell this to people though, and expect them to change my pronouns on a whim that they can’t see with their eyes. It’s hard to explain to people that sometimes I wake up and I’m a boy, and sometimes I wake up and I’m a girl. Hell, sometimes I wake up and I don’t feel like either. Most people don’t understand that, and I don’t blame them. That’s what I’m still comfortable with people calling me female pronouns, no matter what I feel I am. I’ve only told two or three people, and I think I will keep it that way.
I knew there was something different about me, around the time that I was 13. I thought that this was just me being interested in girls, which took a long time for me to get used to. Not that I thought there was anything wrong with it, but I was raised predominantly Christian. It just did not fit in the image I had of myself at the time. I fought it for a long time, going back and forth on trying to pin down what it was. But even after I settled on not giving a shit of what someone had in their pants, I still felt off. I knew their was a piece of my identity that I was not grasping, and at that point I had to find out what it was.
I took to the internet, like anyone else my age would do when they had a pressing question. Except, there really was not anything that matched me. People were (and still are) expanding on gender identity, and what I felt was not there. So I dropped it. I forgot about it, if you can forget such a thing, and moved on.
Until about a year ago, when someone very close to me came out to me. Their identity got me thinking, and I went about searching again. This time, I found something close to what I was looking for. I found all these newer terms that people were defining, like nonbinary, genderfluid, and androgynous. I found all of these, but I found little support from the people around me. If you remember, I said earlier that I only told two or three people. The first person I told, the person who had sparked my thinking again by coming out to me, completely ignored it for the longest time.
I found a lack of support from my closest friend, someone who I thought would completely understand what I was going through. It sucked, and it made me reluctant to tell others. I kept it to myself again for awhile, only telling random strangers on the internet who wouldn’t be able to spill it to people around me in real life. It worked, for awhile. I was getting affirmation and support.
That eventually gave me courage to tell two other friends, who actually accepted me wholeheartedly. They were always aware of my pronouns, and always fixed their mistakes when they were wrong. I loved it! It couldn’t get any better. And eventually, the first friend that I told came around too, which is also amazing. While I wish they’d accepted it and acknowledged it from the start, I can sort of understand why they didn’t. They were going through their own shit.
So, I guess that is it. I don’t really have much more to tell, unless anyone has any questions for me. Thank you all for reading, and I’m sorry for any confusion that my writing may have caused. If you feel the same way that I used to feel, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will do my absolute best to give you all the support and acknowledgement and care in the world.